Here are some examples of Things I Dread:
- Situations which require me to speak a foreign language
- Travelling/dining out/attending social events with my children
- Social events generally
- House guests, especially people visiting from overseas
- Answering my own phone, even when it's a close friend
- Having to complete multiple tasks/commitments within in a limited time
- Big life changes and unfamiliar tasks/situations (actually, my fear of The Unknown goes beyond dread, and is practically a phobia)
In short, I dread just about everything except sitting at home by myself
and communicating with no one. All this irrational dread bothers me, especially
since many of the examples above are regular, even daily occurrences in my life.
Let me clarify one point. Most, if not ALL the things that I dread, are
things I truly enjoy doing once I’m actually doing them. It’s just the thought
of doing them that makes me shudder.
Recently, I finally unearthed the common thread running through the
things I dread. They are all things that require me to exert myself – mentally,
socially, physically, or emotionally. Deep down inside my psyche a belligerent little
voice badgers me constantly, insisting that anything except 100% exertion and a
perfect performance equates with failure. In consequence, just the thought of doing
stuff makes me anxious and exhausted. What a fricking surprise.
No wonder I bloody-well never want to do anything.
Recently, I was invited to be on the board of the Japanese school that
my daughter attends once a week. I was additionally offered the responsibility
of organizing the school’s annual excursion. In the spirit of doing my fair
share, I felt compelled to say yes.
I was instantly filled with dread.
I panicked myself with visions of endless meetings and correspondence in
Japanese, rife with awkward moments and shameful linguistic errors. I worked
myself up over the fearsome challenge of meeting the exceptionally high
standards of the Japanese school community (who are known for their obsessive
attention to detail and their quest for perfection in all things). What did me
in most of all, though, was the fact that I’d never done anything quite like
this before, making it that most feared of fearful things – The Unknown.
Long story short, I made myself almost physically sick worrying about
all this Board stuff. I am embarrassed to admit that I actually thought
seriously about taking my child out of the school as an avoidance strategy.
As usual, I dealt with my fear by launching myself into girly-swot-type
feverish over-preparation. I made lists, I printed out a stack of relevant
correspondence and documents, and I found myself a neat little file in which to
store it all. I spent an inordinately long time composing a polite email in
(what I hoped was) reasonably correct Japanese to the five other parents who
had volunteered to help out as Excursion Committee Members. I planned what
I would wear to the initial meetings of the Board and the Excursion Committee. I
was determined to do anything I could to avoid “failing”.
Finally, I was as ready as I’d ever be to throw myself into the fray.
I was still terrified, but at least I had charted the four corners of my fear.
I was ready to be
laughed at and criticized and pitied.
And quelle surprise, yllätys yllätys - the dreaded First Meeting of the Excursion
Committee did not result in my painful death by cruel Japanese firing squad. It was a lovely chat with five friendly, funny, terrific mums. At
the outset I apologised for my poor level of Japanese and was instantly swamped
with kind comments about how nicely I wrote/spoke. Everyone had great ideas
about where we should have the excursion, and we had a productive discussion. The
meeting was, frankly, enjoyable, as was the initial board meeting. I was
incredulous to realise that I was possibly even going to enjoy this new role.
Why the hell couldn’t I have cultivated that level of positive optimism
from the outset?
I don’t get energy from staying at home quietly by myself, doing nothing.
I am an extrovert who literally NEEDS constant social interaction to remain
happy and invigorated. I get a kick out of succeeding at difficult tasks and
projects. I am irresistibly drawn to language-learning, and have lived
literally half my life in countries where English is not a national language.
Why, then, can I not stop the cycle of fear and pressure which prevents me from
looking forward to all the things I enjoy doing? It's ridiculous that I get crippling performance anxiety even
though I truly love the performing.
Obviously, retraining my psyche will be a long-term project. What I need
to learn is this: there is, actually, no such thing as failure (unless I keep
bloody telling myself that there is). Every day, human beings hit rock-bottom and
resolutely start again from scratch, and they end up doing just fine, and if I’m
honest, I have never in my life experienced anything even close to “rock-bottom”.
It’s ok to want to do things well, and it’s ok to prepare diligently for
situations where preparation is necessary or possible, but after that life is
just life. There will be days when I don’t try as hard as I could at particular
things, because that day something else in my life is occupying a higher
priority, and because it is inhuman and freakish and unenjoyable to put 100% into everything
all of the time. And even when I do put in a stellar effort, sometimes
situations will play out in a way that leaves me bitterly disappointed in
myself or others. None of this is good or bad. It just is.
If I live in dread I will die having lived in dread.
That would really suck.
